For some reason I've seen a number of really cruddy movies lately. I don't really want to devote too much time to discussing such putrid artistic endeavours, however it IS my civic duty to warn anyone reading of the visual torture they will endure if viewing said mo.nstrosities, so here we go.
The Good
Due Date
I refer to Due Date as "The Good" not because it is good, but because it's the best of a bad lot. It actually wasn't terrible, but it was bad enough to be included in this entry. Here we have an actor who has just recently gotten back in the public's good graces (Robert Downey Jr) teaming up with an actor who has recently been brought to the public's attention (Zach Galifianakis). Downey Jr plays the "straight guy", stuck in some part of America (who really cares), after an incident at the airport involving Galifianakis's "funny guy" character. They both end up road tripping together, as Downey Jr is desperate to make it home for the birth of his child. From there the movie becomes your typical road trip movie, and the "straight guy vs funny guy" routine makes up most of the laughs, which there are a few of, but less than you would expect from the two leads and the director of The Hangover. Basically, the movie has it's moments, and watching it wasn't a complete waste of time, however at the end of the day it was a very "meh" experience. The characters aren't very interesting, and there's nothing particularly memorable about the movie, but nothing really awful about it either.
**1/2 out of *****
The Bad
Red Riding Hood
I'm sure that the "From the director of Twilight" tagline put alot of people off this film, but it shouldn't off. The fact that it's a soulless, thrilless piece of nonsense that has almost nothing to do with the Red Riding Hood story, however, should. On the plus side it has Amanda Seyfried and Gary Oldman in it, who both give good performances. I also liked the setting of a fantasy/gothic snow covered world, where the people are frightened of attacks by werewolves. The storyline, however, is uninteresting and completely insane, and the attempts to inject romance into it fall flat. It was one of those movies where I couldn't even determine what the director was trying to do with it or who the target audience was supposed to be, except for perhaps the post Twilight audience who lap up anything remotely "supernatural romance" themed. Anyway, this movie was pretty pointless.
*1/2 out of *****
I Am Number Four
I remember seeing the trailer for this at the cinemas thinking it looked kinda cool. The concept of one alien race hunting down the remaining few of another alien race on earth is also not bad. However, pretty much the moment the movie started it was obvious this one was a dud. Cheesy special effects, lame dialogue, poor performances, not to mention plot devices that make no sense (why would an alien engaged in an intergalactic battle care so much about living a "normal life" to put himself at risk by being out in the open attending school, not to mention looking and acting exactly like a human) all add up to one unmistakable piece of garbage. I somewhat got sucked into the characters and some of the action scenes were ok, but this felt more like a pilot for after school teen sci fi show than film that was theatrically released. You can safely skip this clap trap.
*1/2 out of *****
Killers
Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl aren't actually known for their excellent choice of movie roles, and their appearance in this fecal matter isn't going to improve that reputation one bit. Killers attempts a merge of the romantic comedy and spy thriller genre, and needless to say Alfred Hitchcock probably could have pulled that off, but whoever directed this crap (runs to Wikipedia....), but Robert Luketic certainly couldn't. The movie gets off to a really bad start, with the romance between the two leads being introduced in a completely hap hazard fashion, and Kutcher's monologue where he tell's Heigl he's a killer are some of the most awkwardly delivered lines I've ever seen on film. Things pick up a bit once the action/spy segment of the movie starts, but the plot delves off into absurdist terriitory far to quickly for the movie to ever be redeemed. Full of cliche and contrived plot twists, you'd find more creative genius in a kindergarten finger painting class than you would here. Only recommended for hardcore rom com enthusiasts, and even then I'd say proceed with caution.
* out of *****
The Ugly
Your Highness
Your Highness has the dishonour being the worst film in my "bad films" entry, so err, congratulations? The only reason I rented this abomination was because the movie I went to store to borrow was all rented out, and I guess in my frustration I turned to the first film that looked slightly appealing. With cast including Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman and Zooey Deschanel, you'd expect something at least half decent. An hour and a half later and I was proven wrong. I guess you'd describe this movie as a fantasy comedy, and it's not a movie that expects you to care about the characters or the storyline, but instead proposes to entertain by taking you along for the ride and making you laugh. Which would be fine, if the ride it was taking you on was an even remotely fun one or if the jokes were funny. Instead we're bombarded with lame special effects, unexciting action scenes which come out of nowhere and serve no purpose, and a sense of humor that thinks dropping the F bomb after every sentence makes it automatically funny, and numerous jokes about oral sex never get tired. I'm especially embarrassed for Franco and Portman - Franco follows his Oscar nominated performance for 127 Hours with a role that requires him to act like a buffoon, and Portman follows her Oscar winning role for Black Swan with a performance so obviously phoned in I can't help but wonder if she was contractually obliged to appear in this debacle. Every element on display here feels so amateurish that if it wasn't for the cast you'd be forgiven for thinking this was some straight to DVD B-grade tosh. A movie with no redeeming qualities that completes none of the goals it set out to achieve can only receive one rating. Avoid this stinker like the plague.
No Stars
I've also recently seen some obsure Phillipino B grade movie called the One Armed Exicutioner. It's not a movie you would assign a rating to, however needless to say it was rubbish. It didn't even have the usual elements that make B grade movies entertaining, aside the usual campiness and poorly delivered lines. Just flat out boredoom. Nuff said. Now I've gotten all that out of my system I'll be back soon with some decent films.
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